one might say we're banned from that church
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
