well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
