No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
