At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
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