The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
sarcasm needs its own font
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize