explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
