my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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