You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
