You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
