I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
