you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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