I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
