this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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