it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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