Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
