Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize