I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
