Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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