I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I look excited, but its just a facade.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
