remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
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