Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
