so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
