i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
