did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
