My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
