Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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