these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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