dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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