RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
