your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
