So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Randomize
