I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
