This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I AM VODKA MAN
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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