o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Green mimosas i think yes
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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