Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
