She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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