about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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