New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
