it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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