Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
