Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
