I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
