My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
