Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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