I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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