i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
