I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
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