Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize