There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
