I think im going to throw up on grandma
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
