Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
