my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
