I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize