The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
