There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
