I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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