I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
We smell like vodka and hangover
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
